"Pull the string, Debbie. Just pull the string and get it out of her mouth!" Sue Ann knelt behind Aunt Mary and held the woman’s mouth closed by wrapping her hands around Mary's chin and placing the back of the woman's head against her chest so the elderly woman couldn't chew anymore. A string of Christmas lights hung limply from Aunt Mary's bleeding mouth.
"What the hell did she do?" Debbie stood on the stairs that led down to the living room.
"Get over here and start pulling, Debbie.” Sue Ann came down to the living room that morning expecting to shoo the kids away from their presents until she could grab her disposable camera. Instead, she found Aunt Mary lying under the tree in her reindeer-print pajamas chewing on the Christmas lights. She'd started on one end and continued sucking the strand into her mouth until she had stuffed her cheeks and blood dripped from her mouth to the carpet. As Debbie began pulling, Aunt Mary bit down harder with her teeth and released a high-pitched noise. Debbie began pulling side to side, but it only jerked the old woman's neck around and caused her thinning white hair to fly. "God damn it Debbie, you'll snap her fucking neck." In one large swoop, Sue Ann placed herself in front of Aunt Mary and forced her onto the carpet, straddling her chest. She pinched the side of her Aunt's mouth with her thumb and forefinger forcing it open. She then shoved her fingers into the lady's mouth and withdrew the strand of lights which was wet with blood and spit.
"Thank god these lights are plastic or we'd have a real problem here," Sue Ann turned to her sister, "Not that the idea of her shitting plastic lights till New Years is a dream come true." Still straddling her aunt she cupped both sides of the old lady’s face and spoke loudly and directly to it. "Aunt Mary, I need you to gargle your mouth so you get every last bit of plastic out of there. Do you hear me?"
"I like candy," replied the old woman with a smile that revealed blood-stained teeth.
"This," she said holding the lights in her fist, "is not candy. These are Christmas lights. If you want some candy, go gargle your mouth and then I will give you some."
"Swedish fish."
"Whatever you want, just go gargle your mouth now." The old woman raced off to the kitchen sink. Sue Ann turned to Debbie and noticed the moosetracks ice cream stains on her gray, cotton sweat suit. Her hair was dyed with peroxide but without the required upkeep, the dark brown roots looked like trunks that led to dying, twigs of yellow.
"Why the hell do you have to look like that every day? I got a crazy loon of an aunt chomping on electrical wires and a sister who looks like an ad for depression-induced, emotional eating."
"It's in the morning, give me a break."
"You've looked like that since Tuesday, Deborah. I've got two kids here. Try to be some sort of an example of a frickin' adult. God knows if it weren't for me, you'd still be at boyfriend's." Sue Ann raised her arms and made quotation marks with her fingers when she said boyfriend. "I don't know why everyone in this god damn family needs to park their ass in my house—like I live in some sort of mansion. This is a two bedroom house and I got five motherfuckers living in it and only one person--me--is out there making a god-damn living."
"I have a job Sue Ann. I can give you money at the end of the month."
"Your fat-ass works seven hours a week at the Dairy Queen. That's not a job. It's a fuckin' excuse for you to shove ice cream into your fucking mouth."
"What the hell did she do?" Debbie stood on the stairs that led down to the living room.
"Get over here and start pulling, Debbie.” Sue Ann came down to the living room that morning expecting to shoo the kids away from their presents until she could grab her disposable camera. Instead, she found Aunt Mary lying under the tree in her reindeer-print pajamas chewing on the Christmas lights. She'd started on one end and continued sucking the strand into her mouth until she had stuffed her cheeks and blood dripped from her mouth to the carpet. As Debbie began pulling, Aunt Mary bit down harder with her teeth and released a high-pitched noise. Debbie began pulling side to side, but it only jerked the old woman's neck around and caused her thinning white hair to fly. "God damn it Debbie, you'll snap her fucking neck." In one large swoop, Sue Ann placed herself in front of Aunt Mary and forced her onto the carpet, straddling her chest. She pinched the side of her Aunt's mouth with her thumb and forefinger forcing it open. She then shoved her fingers into the lady's mouth and withdrew the strand of lights which was wet with blood and spit.
"Thank god these lights are plastic or we'd have a real problem here," Sue Ann turned to her sister, "Not that the idea of her shitting plastic lights till New Years is a dream come true." Still straddling her aunt she cupped both sides of the old lady’s face and spoke loudly and directly to it. "Aunt Mary, I need you to gargle your mouth so you get every last bit of plastic out of there. Do you hear me?"
"I like candy," replied the old woman with a smile that revealed blood-stained teeth.
"This," she said holding the lights in her fist, "is not candy. These are Christmas lights. If you want some candy, go gargle your mouth and then I will give you some."
"Swedish fish."
"Whatever you want, just go gargle your mouth now." The old woman raced off to the kitchen sink. Sue Ann turned to Debbie and noticed the moosetracks ice cream stains on her gray, cotton sweat suit. Her hair was dyed with peroxide but without the required upkeep, the dark brown roots looked like trunks that led to dying, twigs of yellow.
"Why the hell do you have to look like that every day? I got a crazy loon of an aunt chomping on electrical wires and a sister who looks like an ad for depression-induced, emotional eating."
"It's in the morning, give me a break."
"You've looked like that since Tuesday, Deborah. I've got two kids here. Try to be some sort of an example of a frickin' adult. God knows if it weren't for me, you'd still be at boyfriend's." Sue Ann raised her arms and made quotation marks with her fingers when she said boyfriend. "I don't know why everyone in this god damn family needs to park their ass in my house—like I live in some sort of mansion. This is a two bedroom house and I got five motherfuckers living in it and only one person--me--is out there making a god-damn living."
"I have a job Sue Ann. I can give you money at the end of the month."
"Your fat-ass works seven hours a week at the Dairy Queen. That's not a job. It's a fuckin' excuse for you to shove ice cream into your fucking mouth."
Debbie walked over to the Christmas tree and grabbed a present. "Merry Christmas," she said handing the gift over to her sister.
"What the hell is this?" Sue Ann placed her bony hands on her hips.
"Swedish fish," Aunt Mary chirped. The crazy lady tapped Sue Ann on her left shoulder from behind. "Swedish fish," Aunt Mary repeated and waited with her palms open. In an automatic response, Sue Ann walked over to the bookshelf and felt around for one of the bags of Swedish fish she kept hidden on the top. Aunt Mary took the bag and ran over to the couch. She grabbed a hand full of fish and threw them on the floor. She then proceeded to fish them with her toes, bringing the ones she caught to her mouth in a move that was undeniably graceful for an 88-year old woman.
"That is disgusting. I don't know why you let her do that," said Debbie.
"Cause she won't shut up unless I give it to her. 'Swedish fish, Swedish fish,' it'll drive you fucking mad."
"She’s gonna lose all her teeth. She never brushes them."
"I hope she fucking loses all her fucking, old-ninny teeth, that way she won't be able to fuckin' talk. The more time she spends eating candy is more time she's ain't doing some dangerous shit like eating lights or putting crisco in her hair and walking towards me like some grease-headed zombie. You know she did that last week and I had a fucking cigarette in my hand. A fucking lit cigarette. I could have lit that bitch's fucking head on fire. "
"Open the gift, Sue Ann,” Debbie laid a hand on her sister’s thin shoulder, “I think you'll like it."
"This better not be something from the Dairy Queen. It’d be nice if you could afford something without an employee discount."
"How dumb do you think I am? Like I'd wrap ice cream up as a Christmas present and leave it under a tree to melt."
"I wouldn't put it past your dumb, fat ass." Debbie handed the gift over to her again and lifted her eyebrows. "Alright, sorry. Just kind of a tough morning you know. Lou ain't here. The kids'll be disappointed with their gifts again and Aunt Mary's chewing on electricity."
"FML, sis,” Debbie proclaimed shaking her head, “FML."
"What is an FML?"
"It stands for fuck my life."
"Heh." Sue Ann opened the gift like a five-year old, tearing the wrapping off and letting it scatter over the floor. It'd been a long time since someone bought Sue Ann a Christmas gift. Her husband, Lou, had been gone for five years. He left on a trucking job but in reality shacked up with a 55 year-old, Vietnamese nail salon owner three towns over in Kalamazoo. He left her with the two kids, a mortgage that was worth twice as much as the house, and an angry bitterness that weighed on her so constantly that at, 38, she had the posture of woman suffering from osteoporosis. The gift was a carton of Marlboro menthol lights. To Sue Ann, Marlboro menthol lights were a luxury item, less trashy than her Virginia Slims, a hundred times better than BASIC’s, and a status symbol at the local bars.
"Shit, sis, what a thoughtful gift," she said cradling the box.
"It's the least I could do. I know it's getting crowded in here. Soon as I can I'll be out of here, and I'll even take the old biddy withme.
"Oh no, you don't. You know the deal with her."
"What the hell is this?" Sue Ann placed her bony hands on her hips.
"Swedish fish," Aunt Mary chirped. The crazy lady tapped Sue Ann on her left shoulder from behind. "Swedish fish," Aunt Mary repeated and waited with her palms open. In an automatic response, Sue Ann walked over to the bookshelf and felt around for one of the bags of Swedish fish she kept hidden on the top. Aunt Mary took the bag and ran over to the couch. She grabbed a hand full of fish and threw them on the floor. She then proceeded to fish them with her toes, bringing the ones she caught to her mouth in a move that was undeniably graceful for an 88-year old woman.
"That is disgusting. I don't know why you let her do that," said Debbie.
"Cause she won't shut up unless I give it to her. 'Swedish fish, Swedish fish,' it'll drive you fucking mad."
"She’s gonna lose all her teeth. She never brushes them."
"I hope she fucking loses all her fucking, old-ninny teeth, that way she won't be able to fuckin' talk. The more time she spends eating candy is more time she's ain't doing some dangerous shit like eating lights or putting crisco in her hair and walking towards me like some grease-headed zombie. You know she did that last week and I had a fucking cigarette in my hand. A fucking lit cigarette. I could have lit that bitch's fucking head on fire. "
"Open the gift, Sue Ann,” Debbie laid a hand on her sister’s thin shoulder, “I think you'll like it."
"This better not be something from the Dairy Queen. It’d be nice if you could afford something without an employee discount."
"How dumb do you think I am? Like I'd wrap ice cream up as a Christmas present and leave it under a tree to melt."
"I wouldn't put it past your dumb, fat ass." Debbie handed the gift over to her again and lifted her eyebrows. "Alright, sorry. Just kind of a tough morning you know. Lou ain't here. The kids'll be disappointed with their gifts again and Aunt Mary's chewing on electricity."
"FML, sis,” Debbie proclaimed shaking her head, “FML."
"What is an FML?"
"It stands for fuck my life."
"Heh." Sue Ann opened the gift like a five-year old, tearing the wrapping off and letting it scatter over the floor. It'd been a long time since someone bought Sue Ann a Christmas gift. Her husband, Lou, had been gone for five years. He left on a trucking job but in reality shacked up with a 55 year-old, Vietnamese nail salon owner three towns over in Kalamazoo. He left her with the two kids, a mortgage that was worth twice as much as the house, and an angry bitterness that weighed on her so constantly that at, 38, she had the posture of woman suffering from osteoporosis. The gift was a carton of Marlboro menthol lights. To Sue Ann, Marlboro menthol lights were a luxury item, less trashy than her Virginia Slims, a hundred times better than BASIC’s, and a status symbol at the local bars.
"Shit, sis, what a thoughtful gift," she said cradling the box.
"It's the least I could do. I know it's getting crowded in here. Soon as I can I'll be out of here, and I'll even take the old biddy with
"Oh no, you don't. You know the deal with her."
The deal was simple. Aunt Mary was crazy, but she'd been pretty and smart enough to marry money. Mary’s husband had owned a chain of auto-repair garages, and over their 36 year marriage, he’d watched his wife's mental state deteriorate. He knew she'd never survive old age on her own. If a family member didn't watch over her, the state of Michigan
"You're both dumb as shit." Gloria, Sue Ann's 22-year old daughter, sat on the stairs in boxer shorts and a Hanes t-shirt. Her blond hair was cut short and choppy. She could have been typically pretty but did everything to fight that convention. Her septum was pierced, and her eyes always had a trace of the raccoon-like make-up she applied even after she washed it off. "Kill the crazy cunt and collect the money already."
"What the fuck is wrong with you Gloria?" her mother began screaming, "How the fuck do you sit on my stairs on Christmas morning and talk about killing my mother's sister. God damn, baby Jesus was born on this holy-ass, shit day, and you're sitting there talking about killing your own blood."
"Fine, wait for the bitch to die."
"Gloria" interrupted Debbie. "What your mom is trying to say is it’s not nice to kill a relative even if she is a complete burden and doing so would solve all your problems."
"Do you all realize she is sitting right there." Sue Ann pointed at Aunt Mary, "she's crazy; she ain't deaf."
Gloria looked over at her great aunt, "She's fishing candy off the floor with her feet and eating it." She walked towards the couch and picked up one of the candies from the floor. She held the gelatin fish by its tail before dropping it into her mouth. Aunt Mary smiled and placed a candy on Gloria's foot. They'd done this before. Raising her foot slowly towards Mary's face, Gloria let the fish slide down her foot a bit and the old woman ate it right off her big toe. "I don't think she really knows what's going on here. You don’t have to stab her with a knife; you don’t have to shoot her in the head.”
"You're both dumb as shit." Gloria, Sue Ann's 22-year old daughter, sat on the stairs in boxer shorts and a Hanes t-shirt. Her blond hair was cut short and choppy. She could have been typically pretty but did everything to fight that convention. Her septum was pierced, and her eyes always had a trace of the raccoon-like make-up she applied even after she washed it off. "Kill the crazy cunt and collect the money already."
"What the fuck is wrong with you Gloria?" her mother began screaming, "How the fuck do you sit on my stairs on Christmas morning and talk about killing my mother's sister. God damn, baby Jesus was born on this holy-ass, shit day, and you're sitting there talking about killing your own blood."
"Fine, wait for the bitch to die."
"Gloria" interrupted Debbie. "What your mom is trying to say is it’s not nice to kill a relative even if she is a complete burden and doing so would solve all your problems."
"Do you all realize she is sitting right there." Sue Ann pointed at Aunt Mary, "she's crazy; she ain't deaf."
Gloria looked over at her great aunt, "She's fishing candy off the floor with her feet and eating it." She walked towards the couch and picked up one of the candies from the floor. She held the gelatin fish by its tail before dropping it into her mouth. Aunt Mary smiled and placed a candy on Gloria's foot. They'd done this before. Raising her foot slowly towards Mary's face, Gloria let the fish slide down her foot a bit and the old woman ate it right off her big toe. "I don't think she really knows what's going on here. You don’t have to stab her with a knife; you don’t have to shoot her in the head.”
“What are you trying to say?” asked her aunt.
“She can’t feed herself,” Gloria slowly paced in a circle around the old lady who sat on the floor Indian-style, “She can’t take her meds herself. She can’t do anything by herself.” She stopped and stood behind her, “If Mother Nature had her way, this woman would be dead. Once you can’t survive on your own, God is telling you the game is over.”
“Well, I hope you extend the same loving attitude towards me when I’m old. Under that same logic, mothers all over the world should just let their babies die,” Sue Ann lit a cigarette.
“Mothers love their babies,” she sat on the couch and motioned for Aunt Mary to sit between her legs. “They have dreams for them and some even live their dreams through them.” She began playing with Mary’s white hair. “Tell me, do you really love Aunt Mary? Do you have aspirations for her future? Do you see her recovering and being an active member of society?” She took a hair-tie from her wrist and made a pony tail on the top of the woman’s head. Like a ventriloquist, she pretended to make Mary’s mouth move and in a childish voiced asked, “Would I even be here if it weren’t for my money?”
“Sue Ann,” Debbie chimed in, “you’ve really raised an angel of a daughter.”
“Whatever fatty,” Gloria retorted.
“I have always felt it was my duty…” Sue Ann began.
“Bullshit,” Gloria interrupted, “if it wasn’t for the money, the most you would even think of doing is locking her away in some nursing home for crazies.”
“Gloria, dear, could you just step away from Aunt Mary,” asked Deborah, “you’re making me uncomfortable.” Gloria got up from the couch and walked towards the women.
“There’s a lot both of you could do with this money. Mom, you could pay off this house, buy yourself a new car, you could even afford to send your kids away to college. Aunt Debbie, you could get out of this house and get a place of our own.”
“And what the fuck is in it for you?” her mother asked, “I know you’re not some fucking saint. You must want something.”
“Didn’t you hear me? You could send me to school. I could get a fucking chance to do something besides work at the local Wal-Mart. I could get out of this fucking town.”
“What exactly is your plan?” asked Debbie. .
“Who said I had a plan?” she replied.
“Please,” her mom started, “I can tell this has been on your fucking mind.”
“Stop giving her the pills she needs to live. Just let her die.”
“You got big ideas but a simple mind. They have tests for that. We are talking about a lot of money here. They will test her body for that shit if she dies. It is my fucking job to give her those pills.”
“I’m not an idiot. Propytol, her medication, has a half life of two days. You give her the pill every third day instead of everyday. It’ll still be in her system, but it won’t be enough to keep her living. It might take a while, but she’ll die sooner than later.”
“What are you are scientist?”
“I don’t have a degree, but I know how to read.”
“Mom, did Santa bring me my gifts?” five year-old Chucky rubbed his eyes at the top of the stairs.
“Of course he did honey. Come on down here and open your presents.” The women dispersed. Debbie went into the kitchen. Gloria started back up the stairs patting her little brother on the head while Aunt Mary clapped her hands in excitement as the boy came down.
“Something’s gotta change around here,” Gloria announced towards the top of the stairs. “Can’t always wait for shit to change itself.” Chucky hugged his mother around her legs, and Sue Ann knelt down to kiss his check. She glanced up and saw the back side of her daughter turn the corner upstairs. She was about to call her back to open her presents but decided against it. She looked back down at her son.
“Hold on before you open that baby. Let mama go get her camera.”
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